中国最早到新年，温哥华最晚到新年，看到msn上各个国家的人纷纷从下午到晚上，准备聚会，外出，互相祝福着新年快乐，看到中国在上海，在香港的朋友们已经外出归来，在网上拜年的时候，我这里还是清晨，心里竟然有点为“偷得”这十几个钟头暗暗高兴。
如果可以把每年7月作为新的一年的开始，那我的上一年从2006年中至2007年中回国前无疑是我人生中最快乐的时光。这一年我明显感觉到了自己的成长，并且有意识地用自己成长的经验给自己做反省，为别人做分享。我又一次深深体会到爱一个人和被爱的幸福与满足，我开始根据自己所想规划自己的未来。我终于有机会把欧洲和北美这两个西方强势文化所在地做一个初步但亲身的比较，而且，我深深地喜欢上了欧洲这一块骄傲，多样，充实的土地。更重要的是，我再一次有意识地作为一个中国人而活着，再一次为中国文化和世间文化的博大而激动。
2007年9月，我回到香港，以充满精力的状态却度过了一个不怎么顺利的学期。我做了许多错误的决定，几次由于惧怕失败而退缩，我甚至开始不努力，得过且过。如果有因果报应的话，我从一开始过分的骄傲和后期的懒惰让我变得麻木和泄气。有一些东西是运气，有一些是自己招惹的，总而言之，站在年尾的我承认自己有点被这一连串打懵了。一年前的今天我是世界上最快乐的女人享受着爱情和对未来的憧憬，一年后的今天我结束了一段已经不受在乎的感情有点对自己失去了信心。
2008年，我希望自己能够回到那个坚强独立自信的我，我希望无论在遇到什么挫折的情况下我都可以让自己再勇敢地站起来去思考去争取。我希望可以不要懒惰，真正享受工作的快乐，真正有心去发掘做事情的意义。我希望可以更加理智地去做一些决定，更明白全局考虑。我希望可以做到在应该说不的时候说不，做少一些自己会愧疚的事情。我希望减少有意识使用烟酒的情况，因为2007年什么样的麻痹自己的方法都让我知道那其实并不能麻痹自己。我希望可以继续用心地去爱一个爱我的人，因为2007年让我知道爱是可以让人变得更好。我希望可以减少让自己受到伤害的可能性，因为2007年让我意识到很多时候不光是用力但又体谅地去爱就会有好结果的 — 因为男人的自私有时会达到我难以负荷的程度。
2008年，我也希望可以有点运气，在我毕业转折的过程里把我推向一个更好的方向。
我真的真的很谢谢朋友的鼓励。谢谢你们告诉我我脸上的笑容是你们最想看到的东西，谢谢你们告诉我我是个坚强聪明的女孩，谢谢你们一再和我说请相信你们一切都会好起来，谢谢你们告诉我等待的重要性，谢谢男人们和我讨论女人的话题，也谢谢女人们和我讨论男人的话题，谢谢你们告诉我我是会嫁得出去的，谢谢你们和我一起咒骂不争气的男朋友。谢谢爸爸无论几点都会接我的电话，谢谢妈妈在大洋彼岸也是无微不至的关怀。
我谢谢上帝给我如此的家人和朋友，天上给我的爱远多过我所企求的。
2008年，我真的想把07年的不足抛在后面好好地过，也同样希望每个人都离自己愿望越走越近。
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the one with the cheesy year-end reflection
Wednesday, December 31, 2008 at 7:25am
Having a hangover and really sore throat, I started to put myself together and do some last-minute reflect on this very last day of 2008.
I handled this year just the way I handled today. I thought I would have plenty of time for preparation but not sure what the preparation really meant; I knew somewhat its so critical to make the right decision but emotions always came along the way on and off; I put off actions to take just so I thought I had more time thinking but things actually turned out the same old way as they were.
Devastated from some disrespect of a very close friend, I spent this time last year struggling about trust issues and emotion input that I lots of times found myself get stuck in. I lived the past 22 years as a passionate friend, helpless romantic, and stubborn in believing. However, it just took me some recent time to realize that emotions and caring for life in general have to be balanced so that me or no one else would get burned from them. I did something might even be unforgivable around early 2008 because of this craze I hold from believing in friendship and integrity. As a matter of fact, not only the outcome of specific incidents but the means I was trying to justify the ends stroke me constantly.
I have always been the beloved one; I barely have anything more to ask for because of all those love I receive. 2008 was a year that I started to want to feel this love and crazy about giving back, by the time I started to be more aware of those comes around goes around and sense the frustration of not having control of any of it. That was why I was overwhelmed by this circle of influencing and being influenced, there are times I was even terrified of losing any love that I never thought of losing. When it came down to almost the whole year passing, I am exhausted from hurting others and being hurt.
Emotion might be one of the key words for me in 2008. I always heard people say how those middle-age women have difficulties controlling their temper and begin to be manipulative. I kind of sensed where it could be coming the first time in my life. I used to appreciate myself of being this passionate person stick to some moral standards and fight for my love ones. I also used to think of myself as being incredibly rational and know how to reason. But 2008 was a year that made me realize emotions could stand in my way or even lead me to wrong directions when I no more feel like the shining star. It feels so real that faith could go away with the fading of confidence, and it feels awful to stand still and doing nothing about it. Emotions do not need to be spilled out to make damages, some seconds of feeling losing hold of it could drive people crazy.
I grew, for sure. I grew to know although I do not live for others, I live for being responsible for how I treat others. I grew to learn although it is of some benefits to be self-analytical, caring too much about how I feel brings bad selfishness that keep me from having a big heart thinking with long term goals. I hope enough lessons been learned in 2008 for me to be more tolerate with myself in order to be more adventurous. I do not mind taking baby-steps all the way through, all I am afraid is continuing to be this scared child that never has enough courage to run freely.
2008 was also a year I headed to a very different direction in life. I moved on to Urban Planning for a master’s in Toronto from doing Statistics for bachelor in Hong Kong. People said about getting used to me making crazy decisions, I was a little bit too tired to care where my decisions are going to take me – because, I thought I was immune of changing long time ago. However, life never bores me with all those unexpected. It is really hard to tell people what has been changed though, partly because I have not really figured out where I am going to. Sometimes moving along the line connecting the known and unknown confuses me by taking me back to the question of what exactly do I want.
I came to Canada ready to embrace of starting to be a Canadian, shortly after I found this is a country where its people find it hard to articulate their identity. Toronto made me feel like home with its commercial lifestyle and impersonal urban community; it also puzzled me with its amazingly multicultural crowd which just enhanced my stereotypes. I was at lost when trying to find a cut-in point to understand its pride and cry, I was anxious when being drowned in piles of academic works but not able to have this feeling of click with the city.
But I believe this is only phase one, I am confident that studying cities and communities would continue to be fascinating and finally (or gradually) I would be really feel this western urban life without even realizing it. I appreciate the fact that the tail of 2008 have led me to start working on a different interest, I also appreciate it so much that I can take this break to look from outside in order to get ready to get in again.
Despite all the shitty things happened in 2008, I know it is again the simplest decision to make:
A. Move on with spirit and be hardworking, happily;
B. Move on just because have to and be hardworking, miserably;
C. Move on just because have to, and back to either A or B maybe 10 years later – maybe never.
2009, I choose A.
Finally, I thank all my friends and family who shared my tears and joy. I never would make it without you the blessings from god. Therefore, I wish you all the best in 2009 and I will always be there for each one of you.
For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, ‘it might have been’.
