BlogSpot is obviously censored here so Im just gonna post this where I can.
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Having a hangover and really sore throat, I started to put myself together and do some last-minute reflect on this very last day of 2008.
I handled this year just the way I handled today. I thought I would have plenty of time for preparation but not sure what the preparation really meant; I knew somewhat its so critical to make the right decision but emotions always came along the way on and off; I put off actions to take just so I thought I had more time thinking but things actually turned out the same old way as they were.
Devastated from some disrespect of a very close friend, I spent this time last year struggling about trust issues and emotion input that I lots of times found myself get stuck in. I lived the past 22 years as a passionate friend, helpless romantic, and stubborn in believing. However, it just took me some recent time to realize that emotions and caring for life in general have to be balanced so that me or no one else would get burned from them. I did something might even be unforgivable around early 2008 because of this craze I hold from believing in friendship and integrity. As a matter of fact, not only the outcome of specific incidents but the means I was trying to justify the ends stroke me constantly.
I have always been the beloved one; I barely have anything more to ask for because of all those love I receive. 2008 was a year that I started to want to feel this love and crazy about giving back, by the time I started to be more aware of those comes around goes around and sense the frustration of not having control of any of it. That was why I was overwhelmed by this circle of influencing and being influenced, there are times I was even terrified of losing any love that I never thought of losing. When it came down to almost the whole year passing, I am exhausted from hurting others and being hurt.
Emotion might be one of the key words for me in 2008. I always heard people say how those middle-age women have difficulties controlling their temper and begin to be manipulative. I kind of sensed where it could be coming the first time in my life. I used to appreciate myself of being this passionate person stick to some moral standards and fight for my love ones. I also used to think of myself as being incredibly rational and know how to reason. But 2008 was a year that made me realize emotions could stand in my way or even lead me to wrong directions when I no more feel like the shining star. It feels so real that faith could go away with the fading of confidence, and it feels awful to stand still and doing nothing about it. Emotions do not need to be spilled out to make damages, some seconds of feeling losing hold of it could drive people crazy.
I grew, for sure. I grew to know although I do not live for others, I live for being responsible for how I treat others. I grew to learn although it is of some benefits to be self-analytical, caring too much about how I feel brings bad selfishness that keep me from having a big heart thinking with long term goals. I hope enough lessons been learned in 2008 for me to be more tolerate with myself in order to be more adventurous. I do not mind taking baby-steps all the way through, all I am afraid is continuing to be this scared child that never has enough courage to run freely.
2008 was also a year I headed to a very different direction in life. I moved on to Urban Planning for a master’s in Toronto from doing Statistics for bachelor in Hong Kong. People said about getting used to me making crazy decisions, I was a little bit too tired to care where my decisions are going to take me – because, I thought I was immune of changing long time ago. However, life never bores me with all those unexpected. It is really hard to tell people what has been changed though, partly because I have not really figured out where I am going to. Sometimes moving along the line connecting the known and unknown confuses me by taking me back to the question of what exactly do I want.
I came to Canada ready to embrace of starting to be a Canadian, shortly after I found this is a country where its people find it hard to articulate their identity. Toronto made me feel like home with its commercial lifestyle and impersonal urban community; it also puzzled me with its amazingly multicultural crowd which just enhanced my stereotypes. I was at lost when trying to find a cut-in point to understand its pride and cry, I was anxious when being drowned in piles of academic works but not able to have this feeling of click with the city.
But I believe this is only phase one, I am confident that studying cities and communities would continue to be fascinating and finally (or gradually) I would be really feel this western urban life without even realizing it. I appreciate the fact that the tail of 2008 have led me to start working on a different interest, I also appreciate it so much that I can take this break to look from outside in order to get ready to get in again.
Despite all the shitty things happened in 2008, I know it is again the simplest decision to make:
A. Move on with spirit and be hardworking, happily;
B. Move on just because have to and be hardworking, miserably;
C. Move on just because have to, and back to either A or B maybe 10 years later – maybe never.
2009, I choose A.
Finally, I thank all my friends and family who shared my tears and joy. I never would make it without you the blessings from god. Therefore, I wish you all the best in 2009 and I will always be there for each one of you.
